You Fool

Program Officer: So do you want to meet at 8:00 am before your day of meetings?

Me: Well, this headcold might be pneumonia by tomorrow morning but sure, I'll be here.

Program Officer: Well, I mean, you could call in….

She was mostly joking….and kind of not. 

I, however, googled pneumonia when I got home and according to the internet, I have 48 hours to live.  Overall I'm feeling ok except for that the shooting pain from lungs filling with fluid resonating around the back of my lungs isn't super pleasant.

Going to boot camp on Tuesday was my undoing when I told myself I was going to sweat out my "allergies". Well, I've made better decisions. 

Which is of course. this is all a good analogy for how I operate in my life:  go through life ignoring the underlying subtle issues. Calling them something they're not. And, just power through because I'm smart enough, strong enough, powerful enough, willing enough, stubborn enough, and just plain crazy enough.  Well, that is until the body totally shuts down.  They say mind over body, but I'm learning this may not be quite true.  I'm beginning to  think it's mind over body until body  says, "You fool."  Well played body. *mustremember*

I also had a date last night that I had to pretend I was healthy.  He was a good guy.  The good guys don't really make for crazy stories and that's probably a good sign.   He's one of those guys that has a stable job, doesn't live with is parents, has a solid command of the English language as a former reporter and now in PR and politics, in his mid-30s, can carry on a conversation, is attentive and asks related questions. I don't even know how to react around such normalcy any more.   Heck, just the night before, the homeless 32 yr old ex asked asked me what is was like to "have a full time job and work EVERY DAY"and then proceded to pull his tooth brush out of his bag and make a makeshift sleeping spot on my floor.  Like one does......   

Well, body, I get it.  Thanks for the reminder.  You win this round. 

Off to bed after a swig of cough suppressant. *hacksupleftlung* 

Grown Up - A List

Here is a list about grown up things that I'm doing. I use "grown up" in the loosest sense of the word.

1. I brunch. 

Brunch is maybe one of the greatest inventions in our culinary landscape.  You get to sleep in, take your time waking up, eat sweet or savory, and dig up restaurant treasures without breaking the bank.  So I've been doing a lot of this...because life's too short to not do what you love. 

The Wandering Goose is a narrow, home-cookin' restaurant where you order at the counter and shuffle between the overly crowded space and nab the first table that a very pregnant with twins woman can fit into.  (This limits your options but totally doable).  It's totally worth trekking up to Cap Hill, searching for parking, and elbowing some hipsters to chow down on some brunchin' good grub.

 

Roasted vegetables with poached egg skillet

Might I also suggest the Boat Street Kitchen and their cornmeal custand cakes.  Go with good friends and celebrate something.   All of those aforemetions things are amazing.

2. Quiet weekends

Saturday mornings are quickly becoming one of favorite times of the week.  I go to boot camp outside which gets the blood going and makes me feel strong and healthy (also makes me feel like I'm going to die but I'm trying to be more glass-half-full). I then come home, make myself a bowl of steel cut oats with apples, almonds, cinnamon, and almond milk.  I sit at my kitchen table with no distractions and eat with myself and my thoughts.  It's the most comforted and alive that I feel during the week.

If there was a close second to my favorite day of the week it would be Sunday afternoons.  I regularly find myself sitting on the couch, catching up on the week's podcasts, sipping tea and crocheting. It's restful, productive and insightful.  ....Unlike the rest of my week which is the opposite of all of those. 

3. Hip Cap Hill Bars.

Knee High Stocking Co. is one of my local favorite with great drinks and food.  It's a speak easy so it makes you feel like you're in on a secret.  They only take reservations via text message, you ring the doorbell to get in and the velvet curtain secludes you away.  And they serve tater tots.  I don't know what about that isn't appealing.

The Saint, just up the street from the above, is a lovely self-proclaimed "Tequlia Salvation". I'm not sure what that means but they make a mean nacho and a some drink with cucumbers.   Go, get your Ole! on.

4. Tater to the Tot

Remember how I regularly blog about tater tots...because I love them....and this is the internet so why would I not?  Well, imagine my surprise when I turned the page the most recent Bon Appetite and there is all it's crisp, hot, potato-y goodness, a story about the growing up of tater tots.  I for one am not disappointed about this return.  C'mon you 30-somethings.....let's keep this movement alive!

5.  The Oscars
 
I watched the acceptance speeches on mute because they make me uncomfortable. That and when K.Stew talked.  Ewwww. Also, I have this deep desire to rock a pixie cut.  I'm one break up away from that happening.

6.  The English Major meets Science

I spend my lunches now reading scientific proposals and journal articles.  I'm slowly getting it, "it" being the science, the struggles the field faces in vaccine development and what people are proposing to do about it.  It's pretty cool. This is a good overview if those topics, too, keep you up at night.

So, this is all quite grown up.  It ain't so bad. 

Clearly I Didn't Think This Through

Sometime when you make out on a park bench, you wouldn't be opposed to seeing that person again.

We had texted through out the week but had made no definite plans.  I put a kabash on the booty call mid-week based on principle but I was certainly interested in seeing what would happen next. 

So Friday he sent a text that made me almost fall out of my chair that made it pretty clear about his desire to see me again.  I had plans for Friday night but let him know I'd be available after 9:30 (which just barely beats my no booty call after 10:00 pm rule). 

Being unprepared for company I raced home after dinner with friends and did the fast 15min clean up.  Took out trash, did dishes, literally threw clothes - clean and dirty- into the closet, curled the hair, re apply the make up, dab on some scents, tucked away papers, lit candles, sprayed air freshner.  It was the fastest clean up in my life, I'm pretty sure I broke a sweat.

As I was frantically tossing  my clothes into baskets in the closet, I threw casually this book on top of a pile.

And then I paused. I'm not sure there is a book more apropos at the moment.  I was clearly unprepared for company and the night in general.  But clearly one can't thinking things through when he's tall, attractive, smells delicious and finds me attractive.  How am I suppose to think that through?  I'm really only thinking one thing...let's be honest.

He arrives, a bit flustered after getting lost (bless his heart), and sits down at the kitchen table. We proceed to talk for a while.  In fact we talk for 2.5 hours.  TWO POINT FIVE HOURS….of talking.  Although perfectly lovely this was not the intent of us hanging out.  But, it not being unpleasant so I wasn't going push the issue. But by the time 12:30 rolls around I'm becoming more inclined to get to bed...sister got boot camp in the morning...ain't got time for chit chat after midnight.

Well, chit chat came to an end when he looked at his watched and said, "I really thought we'd be making out by now," just putting it out there.  We both laughed. And discussed how we wish we were better at this. But that was just enough to break the ice as clearly over the last 2.5 hours of talking we both had been trying to think  "this" through and disguised it in comfortable conversation. So, to save the details in appropriate for this family-friendly site, 2:30 rolled around and sister still got it….(triple snap).

So from park bench to apartment in 4 days seems fast, but you know what, clearly I didn’t think it through. And I don't plan to start.  I'm over thinking, I'm over planning, I'm over doing these things that stop me from having fun. 

Maybe not overly wise now, but sure is fun….I'm sure that always works out.

Stay tuned. 

Cutest Ever.

Someone posted a photo of the neph.  So I stole it.  Just like he steals my heart.  

Little man turns TWO in a couple weeks and they come home to celebrate!! YEAH!

love you! yes, you.

I might be one of the few who doesn't mind being unattached on Valentine's Day.  I actually can support a day that celebrates love and just because you're single doesn't mean you don't love someone(s) and that people don't love you.  

I love my family and friends and this life and my job and living in Seattle and a good dirty joke and chocolate and the sun and the beach and fresh air and hugs and so many other things. 

So, here's my advise for those attached and unattached:

Ladies, Shave, do your hair, put on something saucy under your every day clothes, spritz some scents,  dab some blush on and some bold red lipstick and walk like you're wearing an invisible crown.  Gents, do whatever aforementioned makes you feel sexy...I don't judge. Make out with someone if you can. No one to make out with?  Kiss your comfort zone good bye and get out there! 

If you're attached this Valentine's day.  For the love of all things, please get some.  I've made you a play list that should help things along. Just trust me on this one.  Thank me Friday!

Happy Love You Bunches Day! 

xo.

Sometimes.

Sometimes you go on a first date. 

Sometimes he's a little hipster, skinnier than you, but still distractingly attractive.

Sometimes he smells really good, like irresistibly good.

Sometimes he makes you laugh and you make him laugh.

And then sometimes you make out in the park for an hour. 

But only sometimes.  Not always.

I Might Never Leave My House

I've been home for going on 5 days now with a sinus infection (they are kind of my thing). I'm definitely on the mend but I'm also definitely also coming down with a case of cabin fever and have had way too much time with myself.

So I've have got a few things/thoughts/observations/treasures found:

•  I have been having this exhaustive internal debate about whether or not to get Amazon Prime.  The amount of time and mental energy I have put into this debate isn't worth the energy and yet here I go, toiling over the cost/benefit ratio and ROI.  I'm a little worried that if I get it I might never leave my house.  The West Wing, Alias, Fringe, Sherlock, Downton, are all free for the viewing.   I'm also a sucker for documentaries and bad romance flicks of which there is nearly an endless supply.  Thoughts? Who has it?  Do you leave your house still?

• Best things about the Super Bowl

1. Beyonce
2. Mindy Kaling tweeting about Beyonce
3. Nope, that's it, just two things.

Beyonce rocked it.  Like major.  Her tour dates were announced.  Who wants to go? Any city will do. I'm not joking.

• This is my worse nightmare next to being attacked by a swarm of bats: public transportation 

• My left leg is larger than my right. Most obvious when wearing boots. My right ear is slightly lower than my left.  Most obviously when wearing sunglasses. My index toes are longer than my big toe  which makes shoe shopping problematic. I'm missing 7 teeth but of the teeth I do have, the dentist says repeatedly, "Wow, you have perfect teeth, like PERFECT teeth."  30 years cavity-free and counting.  Gold star!

• I had a super productive weekend despite my sinus infection.  I sorted clothes, did  A LOT of dishes, emptied and reorganize closets (PLURAL), hung pictures and shelves, scrubbed floors, vacuumed stairs, grocery shopped.  I put together a dresser that only took 3 trips to 2 different Fred Meyers because efficiency is over-rated.  All with a sinus infection which I'm not really sure how it all happened. 

• I bought a bed skirt.  Add another notch in the belt of adulthood. 

• Sometimes you have to cut off 8 inches of your hair to feel new.  I'm ok with that. 

• I recently read that married women are perceived as better decision makers and command more credibility, so I've taken to occasionally wearing a big fat diamond on my ring finger.  On my last flight the gentleman next to me said, "I see you are wearing a ring, are you married?" To which I responded affirmatively and  found myself giving marriage advice to my seat neighbor.  He was asking all sorts of questions and  I was kind of blowing my own mind when I was hearing the words that were coming out of my mouth.   

• Listen to ThisAmerican Life #173 Three Kinds of Deception.  It ties is super well with the aforementioned bold face lying. It's also hilarious. 

• While chatting with my other unattached colleagues we made plans for valentines day.  Another married co-worker got really excited and wanted to join us.  To which I said no. Here's the thing. If you're married when it is Valentines Day, you do not get to join in your unattached friend's activities.  In the same way your unattached colleagues and friends don't join you and your spouse on your Valentine's day activities.  As preposterous as the "holiday" is, that's the reality. However, this did inspire me to do something that married couples get to do but non-marrieds do not.  They great presents or getting married.  Well you know what, I now have a registry for being awesome and unattached.  Carrie Bradshaw did, so I shall too. 

If this is what happens when I don't leave the house I probably shouldn't get Prime.  

The Worst.

Fear is the worst.  The worst.

It keeps me safe, protected, comfortable.  I have glided through this life confined by the parameters of fear.

Fear of what you ask?  Failure, judgment, bats. (the latter one although real, not REAL real.)

I can't recall a time or experience in life where I wasn't 100% convinced I was going to be successful.  Even when I packed up my life and bought a one way ticket to NYC I knew I wouldn't fail at that.  Naivety outweighed fear.  Besides, you can't really fail at living somewhere.  That's illogical. Duh.

Recently I've taken a new job at work. They call it a promotion but I technically had to apply for it with the general public and still did 7 hours of interviews. After accepting the offer I immediately headed in a downward spiral of regret and instability.  In the course of a weekend I had gone from the old timer to the new kid on the block knowing the answers to nothing.  I ended my old job on a Friday and walked in Monday morning sat down at my desk and didn't even know the first thing to do.

What am I doing you ask?  I've been tasked with the nitty-gritty management a portfolio that nears the ten digit mark.  TEN digits people. What that really means I'm still figuring out but as far as I can tell, it's overly complicated (well, maybe not "overly" but it sometimes feels like it).

That was 7 weeks ago and I'm still I am petrified. The kind of fear the induced sleeplessness, anxiety, sweats, shakes, crises of confidence, and an occasional meltdown on the walks home.

One night in particular I went for a run at the gym and told myself I'd run as long as I could.  So run I did. For two hours I ran 10 miles over the course of watching the Biggest Loser.  Consequently, I did not remember that I had walked to work so I now had my 1.5 mile walk up the hill to also complete.  Once I got to the top I called my dad and melted.  I proceeded to tell him how I was horrible at my job, that I was failing miserably, that I have no idea what I'm doing, that I am under-qualified for this position.  Of course there were tears, shaking, gasping and snot. (I also had just worked 12 hours and hadn't eaten since noon...so throw that into the mix.) All ingredients for a good meltdown.

Dad of course goes into strict daddy-defense mode and demands, "Who is telling you this?!"
With pause and trepidation, I respond, "Well, no one is ACTUALLY saying it."

That's when it dawned on me.  I was being self-defeatist. I was telling me I was failing.  I was telling me I couldn't do it and that I was under-qualified. Here I was, waving my flag of self-deprecation and perpetuating (or even creating) my own sense of doubt and worth.

Lame. Real lame.

In my heart of hearts, I'm pretty sure I won't fail because it's really not an option for me. In my heart I want to be fearless.  But in my heart of hearts I know I'm not.  At least right now I'm not.

One of the consequences of this whole shake up has been my retreat from a social life.  I've thrown myself into work draining me of any desire to connect with people. Because what if I was going to fail at being a friend, too?  That was too much potential failure to manage. This is not good, I know this (see aforementioned meltdown. QED.).

So this is what I'm wrestling with.  A paralyzing fear.

Fear also keeps me from dating but that's a whole different treasure chest of gems that I like to keep locked away....for now.