Winding down

It's been an interesting season of life the past few months.  Practically every facet of my life has undergone some version of "re-invention."  In the moment of these "re-inventions" I have been forced to come to terms with who I was, who I wanted to be, and what my future might look like.  My health, my career, my relationship, my home, my intellectual pursuits, my creative pursuits, all of is not what it used to be or what I thought it would be.

This part of the internet has been a liberating space to share life's funny moments, challenging thoughts, and creative process. Given all the life changes recently, and the evolution that life has taken, I feel compelled to wind down writing in this space and keep pursuing my writing on another neglected space Cara Straight Trippin' where I'll now start to capture my thoughts, travels, musing, life's pathway and alike.   You'll get more of the same, but better (ok, no promises on the "better" front.)

Hop on over to Cara Straight Trippin' and follow along!

Thank you for the space and privilege of writing in this space.  It has been so good for me.

Ciao!
c

The Young, Unmarried, Graduate-School Professional: Writing.

There’s a lot to be done.  At the end of the day I’ve spent more time writing at a desk than not.  If I’m not writing emails, developing amendments, building grants and milestones, directing processes or catching up with colleagues, then I’m at my desk writing papers about regulatory pathways for vaccine development or citing examples of risk-based approached to clinical trial monitoring or defining the importance of why Good Clinical Practice is fundamentally important in pharmaceutical product development.  When I’m not doing those I’m gchatting with the bestie, catching up on personal messages, paying bills and organizing my life.  This is the writing life of a young, unmarried, graduate school professional.    

Moreover, when I’m not doing those things, I’m at the gym, physical therapist, massage therapist, head therapist, so I can be better, stronger and healthy do all those aforementioned activities.  I’m therapy-ing all over this place.

What I WANT to write about is me, my life, my thoughts and my comings and goings.  What I WANT to delve into are my successes, aspirations, struggles, realities, and life approaches.  I want to do this because it’s therapeutic for me and as much as I can spew onto this page, the less it swirls in my head.  I’m talking about big ideas like how to tackle life to the little ideas like why and I’m obsessed currently with Halsey version of Justin Bieber’s Love Yourself, Amazon Prime’s Mozart in the Jungle, and bittersweet chocolate chips (no relation to each other).  Or how I’ve planned a trip to Big Sur which is currently only includes a reservation at an inn in Carmel and nothing else (who has ideas?!).   

What I want is to see the world, eat fresh bruschetta with olives and almonds and drink smooth and crisp wine under Tuscan summer afternoons, and sail the Grecian Islands.  I want to create art, do something with my hands, hike to expansive views, ride long bike trails and laugh with the ones I love.  I've got a long bucket list of "want to dos" and this year I'm focusing on those.   

So you see, there’s a lot.  To do, to be done. But there are only 24 hours in a day and I am but one person. 

brb.

xo, c 

Hello? Is this thing on?

It has come to my attention that I’ve neglected this space for over a year now.  As of now I spend my days working and my evenings as a student.  Before being a student again it was summer in the northwest which is no time to be indoors.  Before that, I have no idea.  I can barely remember what I had for dinner last night (oh, wait, cereal.)

A lot has happened in the last year.  It’s been the usual eating great food, traveling, falling face first into love (yeah! And ugh!), pushing on my career, visiting family, turned 30-something again, and in general kept my shit together enough to function as a “adult” – whatever that means.

So let’s just pretend it’s only been a few weeks since my last post and we’re just picking up where we left off. 

The cycling studio I go to now offers Dynamax Medball class that consists of throwing 6-8 pound balls at a wall.  This has been incredibly therapeutic since throwing things at people is generally frowned upon.  I’ve been going to this studio now for about 6 months, 5 – 6 days a week, now and I’ve got some triceps and shoulders to show for it.  That’s exciting.  My abs are still hidden under some impermeable layer of insulation, but whatever. More importantly it keeps the crazy in check.

It’s the middle of football season which is hard for born, raised, and educated in Washingtonians.  The Huskies are struggling, the Seahawks are struggling, the games are generally in outdoor stadiums in miserable weather, your rival teams are generally a lot better than you, we “coug” it more often than not, and yet, we’re still here, loud and proud. 

My cleaning lady comes tomorrow.  Yes, I have a cleaning lady for my 600 square foot apartment because some people pay for therapy, and I pay for someone to clean my house as an anxiety-reducing methods. Even I have my limits of living in my own filth. I also keep a healthy dose of chocolate in the freezer as medicine for real-time anxiety needs. 

I miss writing for me and channeling my thoughts and observations.  I have writing assignments due Wednesdays, Thursdays and Sundays which is what absorbs my writing/staring at a computer capacity.  I write about 4-6 pages a week on laws, regulations, guidelines, and ethics governing the pharmaceutical industry and the FDA. It is really interesting but I cannot be as hilarious in those forums as I can here.   

Hmmmm, what else….

The  Mr. travels quite a bit for work and I’m pretty absorbed with work and school, but on the rare occasion we have night in my favorite thing to do it get Thai food for the corner place, settle in for the night, and watch Blacklist.  It’s so good and so problematic but it doesn’t stop us from watching it.  Does anyone else struggle with the time/space continuum they chose to employ?  It makes no freakin sense. 

I get a massage once a week which I cannot emphasize enough how amazing it is.  I have problematic hips and shoulders, mostly because I sit like Quasimodo at my desk for 10-12 hours a day (or curled up in a ball on my couch on Pinterest- same same). Let’s just all get massages and stop killing each other.  The secret to world peace is being kind to yourself so you can be kind to others. Let’s do that.

I discovered my second grey hair this weekend.  That ruin everything.  Just kidding – it just killed my youthful spirit, that’s all. 

Big news here in Seattle.  The gum wall is gone.  That shit is disgusting.  So gross.  Let’s stop. 

Well, off to that massage in which she will flatten me into a pancake and I will be technology-free, if only for an hour. 

I’ll be back soon. 

Quiet

It's quiet.

At 5:30 am I can only hear the percolating of my baseboard heaters and the occasional vehicle drive by outside.  It's a balmy 26 degrees this morning as we're in the midst of a cold streak here in Seattle. I finally caved and turned on the heat.

5:30 am has been the status quo this week as a side effect of serious jetlag.  I'm just back from 2.5 weeks in South Africa, quite literally on the other side of the world.  

It was a week ago I was standing in Kruger National Park sipping roobios tea with a wild white rhino nibbling on grass not 100 yards away. It was just a week ago I end up flying home with only my wallet and passport after a mix up at the hotel that made all our belongings disappear (This is a story for a later date).  It was a week ago I touched down at Sea-Tac airport and thanked that good Lord that I'm lucky enough to call here my home.

With more to come, for now I'll sit here, drink my tea, watch the sunrise and be full.

Non-verbal Queues

I've got the full story of the rendezvous in Rome with the Italian Stallion almost ready for you but just a teaser here's how it's evolved since I've been back.  We started with emojis and pet names. *He's light blue

We've upgraded to song lyrics from the songs we sang walking through the streets of Rome.

Ya know, these songs: Diamonds and Use Somebody

BIG STEPS people. This is the most un-me like thing happening in my life right now and it makes me smile.

So Good

I've spent the last few mornings, gently waking up and shuffling out to my kitchen.  This isn't unusual but the recent mornings have been courtesy of jetlag and mind wandering. I put the coffee on, scramble 2 eggs, clean and chop some fresh strawberries and sit down at my eating table and savor the morning. The sun has been shining in, warming the place and the soul.

For the first time in four months I had the weekend to myself, home, here in Seattle.  The last 2 weeks I've been traipsing around Italy and Switzerland which is an entirely different series of posts that I'll get to soon.

I'm compelled to write this morning by an overwhelming sense of completeness, contentment and fulfillment. I have found such a great peace in the last few days that transcends vacation high the burrows deep.  It nestles within me. The completeness is comforting and enveloping.

I know it won't last forever.  It shouldn't. But right now, it just feels so good.

Uncle!

Today will be one of those days that goes into the history books as one of those days that just threw the hits and the hits kept coming.

While on my beautiful walk I get a text message for the guy I’ve been dating saying he doesn’t think we should continue to see each other.  A TEXT MESSAGE. From the guy who is “in a relationship” according to his facebook, but couldn’t tell me to my face. A guy who I was supposed to introduce to my mom tonight before going away for the weekend.  A guy who I’d spent the last couple months sleeping over Saturday nights and waking up Sunday and going for our walks to get coffee. Ya know, that guy. A TEXT MESSAGE.  Wham.

I haven’t even had my coffee yet and the universe threw a solid punch to the heart. 

 Oh but no, we were just warming up.

**Overshare warning** I get home from my walk a little nauseous and disoriented from what had just happened.  So much so I walked past my trusty café (a trusty café that would never break up with me via text message) and still didn’t get my cup of coffee. In the course of the morning my monthly visitor shows up 6 days late, on the exact same day I’m scheduled for my pre-vacation bikini wax. And because my lady books 6 weeks out and I leave in a week on my Swiss Adventure I can’t reschedule.  So, if you can imagine having your hair in your bikini region removed from the roots while your uterus, mere inches below churns in turmoil, for about 30 min is about as comfortable as it sounds.  Thanks universe for aligning oh so imperfectly on this day.

On these types of days, I’m so grateful for my friends and family.  My girlfriends who rally behind me, remind me of my value and worth, make me laugh, give me bars of real imported milk chocolate.  My guy friends know how exactly how to empathize and get into the pit of despair with me and hangout, validating that its ok to be hurt and that it is super shitty.

I’m so grateful for the work I’ve done to more easily let go, find the silver lining and move on.  There is so much goodness on the horizon that days like these slow me down a little and momentarily, but it’s full speed ahead to the next great steps.  

 

But today, I call "Uncle!"

Playing Along

When I went for my routine annual physical exam I figured it’d be in spick-n-span shape, ready to carry on with my happy healthy little life.  Besides been told I need to lose 10-12 lbs to be considered in the “healthy” weight range, everything first looked fine.  Specimen of health.

Oh no, that was far too optimistic.  Blood results came back with elevated liver enzymes and all of sudden I can’t drink, take birth control, Tylenol, or vitamins/supplements.  (wheel screeching….S’cuse me?) Well, that’s shitty.  Add to the list of other things I shouldn’t have like dairy or wheat, I’m not sure what the point of living is anymore.  At least I had booze and sex as other ways to self-medicate instead of cake and ice cream.   But now this!? Totally unimpressed over here. 

So after a few rounds of blood tests and more inconclusive results, the doctor requested an ultrasound.  Sure, whatever, rub some jelly on my belly and take some blurry pictures. So in a waiting room of a lot of preggers and one homeless man, I played along and waited patiently for my ultrasound.

Do you know where your liver is?  It’s behind your ribcage, all protected from injury. I suspect that it’s because the Great Designer figured we’d destroy our livers from the inside, we should probably add extra efforts to protect from the outside. So when they want to do an ultrasound of your liver they get up into your ribcage and go poking around while telling you to hold your breath.  You know what else is there….YOUR LUNGS! You know what doesn’t feel good: trying to hold your breath when someone is jabbing at your ribcage. But fine, I kept playing along. 

But you know what, more inconclusive results, and I am not playing along anymore. Next step is a biopsy of the liver when/if the next ELEVEN blood results come back inconclusive.

My hot date tomorrow night has promised not to tell my doctor about that glass of wine I’m going to have.  That’s how I like to roll, living in a world of lies. 

 

 

Yesterday - Debt Free-dom

Today I paid off my student loan.  It was very unceremonious, a mere transaction between myself and a digitized operator.  I entered my checking account number. She said the payment would be processed in 3-5 business days and instructed me to press 9 to return to the main menu.  Just like that I was debt free.  No confetti, no streamers, no marching band. I just kept getting ready to go to my grown up job.

It’d been 9 years to the day I finished my last final, self-published my first book and walked out of the last class in which my teacher told me she was giving me the only 4.0 she was going to give that quarter.  I should have been on cloud nine.  I should have walked away with weight lifted and free.  Instead, I walked out of the building and what was my first instinct? Cry.  I cried tears of regret and fear.  I broke down and sobbed because for the first time in my life I had no idea what I was going to do next.  All I wanted to do was plow through college so I could work. I wanted to fast track life to join the rat-race work force because that’s what I was supposed to do. 

Post-college reality punched me in the gut when I walked out that door. I was in a relationship that was lovely but I knew wouldn’t really last and I wanted to be in one with someone else. My hyper-scheduled, color-coded calendar became a vast chasm of free time….but to do what?  I lived in a cute little apartment  but knew it wasn’t home and my roommate and I would go separate ways.  It was such an unknown period in life that nothing I knew felt like the right place, space or feeling.

So on that last night of college, I called my best buddy and he met me at my spot. I sat and cried while he sympathized and assured me that all would be fine.  We both knew it would, but how, we couldn’t pin point.   

The next week I researched publishing programs around the country that set me on a life path that would take me to where I am today.

I wish I could tell the scared 22 year old me that I was going to be just fine and to calm the freak down.  I wish I could tell me that I was actually going to be better than fine and that the best was yet to come. And that I couldn’t even imagine how life would exceed my expectations, throw serious curveballs, feel the highest highs and the lowest lows. I wish I could tell myself I’d see the world and fall in love with it as much as I would fall in love with my home town.  That I’d leave and come back stronger and braver. I wish I could tell myself that you can’t plan life by 15 minute increments…stop being that ridiculous and be other kinds of good ridiculous.    

Now it’s time to really do other grown up things like maybe get married, save for the future, invest, plan for retirement, have a budget, meal plan for a week’s meals, organize the closets, meet with a financial advisor, etc.  But before that, the blossoms are out and I’ll head to my spot...for old time’s sake. 

Battling the Blues

We’re in the full fledges of winter and this is about the time of year where a less than desirable mood can move in so I've learned I have to actively defend myself against those wintery blues.  Here’s my random thoughts and recent activities that help keep the spirits up.
 

·         I think I missed my calling as a virologist.  I’m taking an online virology course and my mind is blown every time.  I’m really gearing up to highly-possibly go back to school in the summer/fall so this is a good exercise in getting my study on.   I’m also regularly practicing my Italian which I’m quite sure my neighbors loves to hear me shout “IL GATTO E SUL TELEVISORE!” (The cat is on the television) in a perfect American accent. Because that's useful.

·         I’m back at boot camp which means last week I could hardly walk and today I could hardly lift my arms over my head.  That’s the cost of getting back into shape. 

·         Thanks to the fine folks at RH2 CPAs, I only owe $4 to Uncle Sam this year.  Can’t get much more accurate than that! Best accountants around. Take that Uncle Sam….oh wait, never mind - you’ve taken your fair share.

·         If anyone would like to get me a subscription to Kinfolk, Darling or The New Yorker, that would be so appreciated and I would think of you every time I got the delivery. 

·         Action packed week coming up with a shopping night, K2 movie screening, the SAM Remix with Miro, Europhile and Travel Meet Up/Girls Night in Ballard and a few pipeline screenings.   If you want to join for any of it, let me know…more the merrier (not generally said by an introvert but I probably like you so it’s ok).  

·         Storyville coffee just opened down the street and I am in love. It’s not Italian coffee but it is the best Seattle coffee in town. Bold, but true statement.

• I listen to this song and this song, couple times a day...maybe more than a couple times.

·         While I’ve been writing in bursts and sparingly posting, you can always follow me along on the Twitter and the Instagram (@mscsquared) (just recently released on Windows Phones so now I’m obsessed) to get the snippets.

 

How do you fight the winter blues?  I'm open to all tips and tricks of the trade.

Personal Partnership Portfolio Management

Let’s be honest, you really want to know about the men situation.  We call it the “Pipeline” with each candidate required to meet specific criteria and screen process before moving past each decision gate.  Should more than one candidate meet the requirements, internal and external reviews are solicited and decision is made for down selection. It’s called Personal Partnership Portfolio Management (3PM if you will) aka dating.

Names have been changed to protect the innocent…and for convenience.

Gramps – I met Gramps through a friend.  We’d spent the last couple football game watching them from various bars around the city.  He’s tall, dark, handsome, highly educated (one of those Phd types), has some fancy patents, speaks 3 languages fluently, lived abroad the last 4 years, owns his own home in Fremont.  He is the perfect gentleman, gentle, sweet, kind, a grown up man, one that reads subtle social clues, picks up on them and responds accordingly.  We went on rapid fire dates that quickly went from drinks at the bars to drinks on his couch and then couch to well….whatever. He is truly interesting and engaging and had real potential to be something more. Why do we call him Gramps?  He may or may not be approximately double digits older than I am (maybe 16 years about...).  Which at first I didn’t know if it was an issue for me but it became less of an issue the more we spent time together. When he met friends even they didn’t think he was as old as a he is. When he discovered how old I actually was I think that caused him to question what we were doing.  Which seriously men, WHY MUST YOU OVERTHINK THINGS?!?!  Needless to say after that revelation he was perfectly gracious and we slowed to a screeching halt.  We are both lovers of football and the other futbol so come the World Cup, I see a few friendly matches in our future. 

Pharma J – Pharma J is exactly who you would think I would end up.  Tall, dark, handsome, reseracher in a pharmaceutical company, Seattleite, and a little nervous and nerdy all around.  He was a really good cuddler – I fit so perfectly tucked under his arm curled up on the couch, a good cook, former basketball player - strong upper body type, a gentleman and smelled like good memories. The kind of guy that if we were to end up together would like a perfectly pleasant generically happy life.  He’s my college sweetheart incarnate, which made me very nervous. Here’s the kicker: He’s a horrible kisser - like if a chicken were to have a 5 day facial hair grow out and peck at your face, that’s what it would feel like.  This is a crushing blow.
 

Of folks surveyed, the first question is “Is he coachable?”  To which my response is something along the lines of, “No, absolutely not. Sister ain’t got time to coach.  This ain’t JV kid. This ain’t Minor leagues kid.  It’s the Majors.” Or a variation thereof.  And if you can’t kiss, I’m going to assume there are a few other things I’m interested in you being good at that you’re not coachable at either which is even a bigger problem. Kissing is just the iceberg and you don’t want that iceberg to eat away at your face like a woodpecker. 

The Lawyer – This guy was everything I thought I wanted, who I thought I’d end up and who of course, he is not interested.  Because that’s sort of how it’s going these days. 

The Sicilian – I met a Sicilian who owns an olive oil company in Seattle which is right in every possible way. Turns out, he's is a bold face liar about his height.  To the point where it is a deal breaker for me.  Which is really a shame because he’s super nice. There were a couple other red flags that contributed to the removal from the pipeline, but the lying about your height is just not cool.  Please don’t do this, men. Us tall ladies know and you’re just wasting both our time.

Next up in the pipeline is The Red Neck, The Swede, The CPA, The Amazonian, and 2 blonde hair blue eye types that have potential but I’m not sure.

And you guys, it’s only February…

Park Discovered!

The bestie picked a prime time to leave Seattle and move to San Diego.  Because she is smart and the rest of us are masochists braving the winter/spring of a grey Seattle.  Don’t get me wrong, you couldn’t pay me enough to live east of the Cascades this winter, but moving to the land of sandy beaches and sunshine totally wins in the winter.  So when she came back to visit recently we took an afternoon to go hiking out at Discovery Park, which for someone who’s live here her whole life, I was shocked I’d never been.    

  

 

 

 

 

 

A little nature and a lot of laughs on a beautiful sunny winter day does a body and spirit good.  Plus we had Taco Time and that is never a bad decision.

Operation Apple Strudel

“Traveling is a brutality. It forces you to trust strangers and to lose sight of all that familiar comfort of home and friends. You are constantly off balance. Nothing is yours except the essential things – air, sleep, dreams, the sea, the sky – all things tending towards the eternal or what we imagine of it.” – Cesare Pavese

I woke up January 3^rd and the first thought in my head was “I want to eat apple strudel in Zermatt this year.” Literally, and very specifically,  that was first thing I thought of when I woke up.  I think I was dreaming about it given that just weeks earlier I had watched a travel show about Zermatt. I knew I had to go.  When I rolled out of bed that morning an article came across my twitter feed and it only confirmed my premonition. I immediately notified my travel buddy and the wheels began to move.  With a little researching and a lot of narrowing down, we’ve confirmed our next trip for May to June to go to Switzerland, Southern Germany, and Austria.  I will likely head into Italy and maybe not come back but that’s a game time decision. 

Here’s what we’re thinking.  Three to four weeks traipsing around the Alps eating fondue, chocolate, visiting castles and lakes, and maybe taking a dip into Italy for espresso, pasta and lovin’. 

 

 

 If you’re a fellow traveler like myself, watch this TEDx. There are some good messages.

From the Beginning

It was brought to my attention that I did not do a single post in the month of January.  I can confirm that this is true.  The great thing is that there is lots to write about and lots of stories to tell.  Mostly around men, football and life.  But when is it not about these things really?  So let’s start from the beginning.

New Year’s Eve

Here’s the thing about NYE: It’s really not all that bad.  This year I spent a quiet evening with a dear friend.  We went to St. Marks which allows for the appropriate amount of time to reflect on the past, think about the future and then skedaddle on out for celebrations.  It’s a beautiful scared space that I look forward to go to every year.  After St. Marks we head to Luc, a cute little place on the back side of Capitol Hill that welcomed us in with open, happy bartender arms.  There were delicious cocktails, scrumptious food, midnight toast with favors, hats and champagne. And despite the heinousness that was traffic to get home, it was all around the a good way to end the year. 

 

 

If you haven’t been to the labyrinth, it is truly an incredible experience.  It’s a path that you walk and then get to the center, spend as much time as you want there.  When you’re done, you walk out. Easy-peasy. This year on the walk to the center I thought about the year past (2013) and was overcome with the sense of the truest form of happiness and incredible gratitude. It was truly the best year of my life.  As I approached the center of the labyrinth, I could feel my heart begin to flutter.  I could feel that I was about to leave 2013 behind me and walk toward 2014.  And I didn’t like it.  On the way out of the labyrinth I thought about the future and I felt anxiety, uncertainty and concern all on a very physical level. My heart hurt and fluttered.  At that point I couldn’t imagine how much better life could get.  And why would I want that to end?  Why would I want that to end and walk toward a year of the great unknown. The “unknown”….that’s scary.

When I was talking about it with my friend right after I was overwhelmed with deep emotion and moved to tears talking about all the goodness that 2013 had given me and the fear of the future that was scary.  I’ve never quite had this feeling so I’m not sure what has been the impetus or why these new feelings had arisen but I’m wrestling with them now, and that’s ok. 

So, 2014 is here.  I don’t know that I’m ready but that’s entirely irrelevant so my exercise now is channeling that anxiety into productive activity.  Or sit at home and eat my feelings.  Either/or.

 

Stay tuned!   

Buon Anno!

I capped off the year with a couple laps around Green Lake and laughing with FN, stopped by the café that brews my favorite Americano, held my last solo dance party around the house while cleaning, walked another couple miles to burn some energy and get groceries and now I'm watching The West Wing and getting ready to head out for the evening. Nothing says "get pumped" like political witty banter drama television show while the curling iron heats up and the eyeliner dries.  So I thought I'd take some time in between all that to write my last post for the 2013. 

A lot happens in this singular thing we call "a year". This year has been incredible.  Really truly a transformational year that exceeded all my hopes and expectations.  Don't get me wrong….it wasn't without it's hard lessons learned, challenges, lows, loss, and heartbreak, but on a whole, 2013 will go down in the record books as the best year of my life to date. 

Here's my Top 10 Recap of 2013 that added up to a truly amazing year. 

1. Over the course of 4 summer nights in Rome, I believed in love again. And while I was believing in it I actually fell into it.  It changed me to my core.  Beauty, strength, vulnerability, passion, and romance. 
2. I spent a lot of time with my sister and nephew, which was really wonderful. Crazy, but wonderful.
3. I made really great new friends and let go of the toxic and unhealthy ones. Good people
4. I traveled a lot. Seeing the world is the most invigorating exercise for me. I never feel more alive than when I'm immersed in another culture.  
5. I made a home that makes me feel safe, happy, at peace, and rejuvenated.
6. I rode motorcycles.  There isn't a more cathartic experience.
7. I smoked my first joint. Full stop.
8. I had a lot of professional milestones which is hugely satisfying after years of working hard and pushing myself.
9. I was in the best physical shape of my life.  Kicked off the year with a half-marathon and kept going. I've slipped a little these last few months, but I'm back on a training schedule for a March 2014 half in San Diego with the bestie.  

10. I had a lot of really great fun.  Real fun.  Real let my hair down, bellyache face hurting knee slapping laughing, finding myself smiling while walking for no reason, making out, eating amazing food, drinking incredible drinks, reading great books, pampering, shopping, conversing, and more kind of fun.

I am very excited for next year.  I hope to keep the good mojo momentum going forward in.  More fun, more love, more laughs, more goodness all around.  And less of that crummy stuff.

Here's what I'm thinking for 2014

• Do hard things
• Be less afraid

• Write more

• See more world
• Keep getting my shit together

• Wear pants more (Just kidding. I hate pants. That's not changing.)

I think New Year's should be more of a celebration of independence.  A different kind of independence day if you will.  A letting go of things old and the past, and claiming the present and future. Freeing yourself from what holds you down or back. Let's be free from those things.  Be free from negativity and self-doubt.  Yes, I like that very much. 

So happy Independence Day!  Baci! 

Top 10

Ok, when I said I was "back" that may have been a bold face lie.  Things have been just a step below chaos, which is fine, but it leaves little time to write about the comings and goings of this 30-something.

Let's take the top ten highlights from the last two months.

1.) I went to and from Barcelona.  That was amazing.  Real post on this later.

2.)  The family favorites came to town. We made won ton soup and chatted about the family history (see Grandpa Wong's Ok Cafe in Helena, MT...cool!).

3.) Work wise, it has been officially one year since I started my new role.  The numbers are coming in and when all is said and done our team will have paid out $99.9M and activated $111M.  If that feels like a lot of money, it's because it is.  Good people doing good things.  And the team gave me a standing ovation in our meeting which felt good.  Oh and presents.  That was nice.  

4.) After the busiest of busy seasons,  I found a grey hair.  Singular.  Yeah for Asian genes!

5.) Husky Game - The new stadium is gorgeous. These people know how to tailgate: full bar, heaters, flat screen TV, lasagna, and so much food and so much fun! Rocking the purple and gold!

That man can pour a drink...wow.

6.) Thanksgiving came and went.  Santa carves our turkey every year.  I wore an elastic waistband.  It's the planner in me. Thanksgiving weekend was also a festive time for some crafting, DIY decorating and shopping (see previous post).  Score!

7.) Brunching with friends...and by brunch we've also added some Cupcake Royale for brunch dessert (genius). Twice.  I had to say good bye to them which breaks my heart but they are off on exciting adventures.

8.)  Hosted a meeting for 275 people.  It was exhausting, frustrating, and only further demonstrated my keen degree of control issues.  I'm over it. But the big boss's dad came and he was amazing.  As always.

9.) Went to the Seattle Asian Art Museum for the first time which was very cool.  Especially if you have it mostly to yourself like I did.

10.)  I did an overhaul on my closet(s).  10 pairs of designer jeans - gone, 4 bags to goodwill, 11 pairs of shoes gone, and do my closets look any less stuffed? No.

So you see, I've been busy.  I hope this holiday season allows for time to really write, be creative, decompress, re-balance and reflect on this crazy thing called life.

Been an Awful Good Girl, Santa Baby

In one weekend I finished all my Christmas gift shopping (applause) which left me plenty of time to help Santa cross off a couple things from my wishlist. I've been an awfully good girl this year, so I picked up these gems.  Santa approved.     

Style

Sparkle 

Tunes

Toys

Oh, and a little something special for the tree

Anger Management

I don't consider myself an angry person.  If fact I can probably count on one hand I've truly been angry in my whole life. Actually, I can't point to one specific memory where I remember where I felt true real anger, but that seems impossible so let's just say less than 5 times.  Sure I've been pissed, grouchy, ticked off, annoyed, disappointed, resentful and alike, but these moments are usually fleeting and become comical shortly thereafter.  But on a whole I feel like sustained anger is a waste of energy, and that I really don't believe in.

But today I left work so angry I was visibly shaking.  I just couldn't believe what had happened. And because I fervently believe in not blogging about the details of my job, I won't go into it here.  But I will go in to what I wanted: giant glass/bottle of wine. and a cocktail. and any other form of recreational sedative or release, legal or otherwise.  Instead I had plans to hang out with my friends who don't drink so I brought ice cream to dinner and it almost did the trick. This was probably the healthiest thing I could have done, which that I am grateful for. Plus they have a super smiley 1 year old and what smiling 1 year old doesn't neutralize any anger of the heart?

But when I was alone with my own thoughts again that anger started to resurface and I just can't release it. I am no longer shaking, so that's progress, but I can feel the tension through my jaw, neck and shoulders. 

I've been re-reading Thich Nhat Hanh's writings, particularly the Five Mindfulness Trainings, which is rooted in Buddhist teachings and practices but really focuses on practice being actively present in the current moment as a way to center and ground oneself.  As a way of coping with some of the debilitating and disruptive anxiety I've been having over the last few months, it has really helped me.  This feel like a good time to exercise those teachings and so I'm trying....hard.  

As writing and reading are hugely therapeutic for me, I'm hoping that through this and some reading I can shake this by morning. I have a long run planned for the morning to hopefully expel any remaining tension. 

Wish me luck.  

Writer's Block

It's national novel writing month, Which I argue is better than Mo-vember. Don't worry, I'm not participating in either. Homeslice ain't got time for that. 

But I have always wanted to be a writer.  The life of a writer may be a little too recluse, too tortured and removed. Oh, let's not forget too poor. But the romantic notion of being a writer I can identify with. 

The romantic writer in me wants to spend my time writing the next great American novel, sitting in various scenarios around the globe, and write about my adventures and thoughts and people and past. 

I want to spend weeks in snow covered log cabins in hills of Vermont in front of the fire and the aroma of chili stewing on the stove and an apple pie baking. I'm probably wearing plaid and fur slippers in this situation.

Maybe I'll spend a couple months, or years,  sitting in cafés around Rome that over look piazzas, sipping espresso and nervously twiddling a pearl necklace while channeling inspiration to clear a writer's block.  I'll probably be easily distracted watching the beautiful people glide by making up stories of where they are coming from, where they are going, what their hopes and dreams are, and what is on their grocery list.

I picture myself writing  in a cozy pub in Dublin during a thunder storm over a good stout and watching groups of friends laugh and loudly cheers to the good life.  I picture hair tossed up in a messy bun and a big cream-colored sweater, well-worn denim and a pair of boots to keep me warm. 

I want to rent a white washed studio loft in San Francisco with a view of the iconic bridge and watch the fog roll in and out, drinking strong tea and pastry from the local hippy-dippy artisan bakery.  I imagine it feeling like home just a little bit more grown up with more depth.

And that's just the short list.

 

When it come to authors as heroes, to me they are Jhumpa Lahiri, Betty Smith, Jon Krakauer, Sylvia Plath, Mary Doria Russell, Richard Russo and more.  I soak up their writing like a sponge, lost in their characters, story telling and examination of life. I think  Nora Ephron is the pinnacle of writing perfection.   I recently was introduced to Shane Koyczan who is a writer and spoke word artist and whose GRID Talk is awe-inspiring and drips of truthiness.  As they share their thoughts and emotions and present them in words is the one of the most beautiful things a human can do.  These are with authors whose writings I hold in the highest regard.

So I'm tethered to the reality of my practical nature and confined to the creature of comfort paradigm that wants to have a job that provides a steady income, health insurance, and a 401k. I'll keep spending my weekends watching the rain fall while reading or listening to story slams.  I'll sip on coffee and keep dreaming far off place to see and beautiful spaces to write in.  All the while, I'll be in this corner of the internet dedicated to keeping that dream alive.