Yesterday - Debt Free-dom

Today I paid off my student loan.  It was very unceremonious, a mere transaction between myself and a digitized operator.  I entered my checking account number. She said the payment would be processed in 3-5 business days and instructed me to press 9 to return to the main menu.  Just like that I was debt free.  No confetti, no streamers, no marching band. I just kept getting ready to go to my grown up job.

It’d been 9 years to the day I finished my last final, self-published my first book and walked out of the last class in which my teacher told me she was giving me the only 4.0 she was going to give that quarter.  I should have been on cloud nine.  I should have walked away with weight lifted and free.  Instead, I walked out of the building and what was my first instinct? Cry.  I cried tears of regret and fear.  I broke down and sobbed because for the first time in my life I had no idea what I was going to do next.  All I wanted to do was plow through college so I could work. I wanted to fast track life to join the rat-race work force because that’s what I was supposed to do. 

Post-college reality punched me in the gut when I walked out that door. I was in a relationship that was lovely but I knew wouldn’t really last and I wanted to be in one with someone else. My hyper-scheduled, color-coded calendar became a vast chasm of free time….but to do what?  I lived in a cute little apartment  but knew it wasn’t home and my roommate and I would go separate ways.  It was such an unknown period in life that nothing I knew felt like the right place, space or feeling.

So on that last night of college, I called my best buddy and he met me at my spot. I sat and cried while he sympathized and assured me that all would be fine.  We both knew it would, but how, we couldn’t pin point.   

The next week I researched publishing programs around the country that set me on a life path that would take me to where I am today.

I wish I could tell the scared 22 year old me that I was going to be just fine and to calm the freak down.  I wish I could tell me that I was actually going to be better than fine and that the best was yet to come. And that I couldn’t even imagine how life would exceed my expectations, throw serious curveballs, feel the highest highs and the lowest lows. I wish I could tell myself I’d see the world and fall in love with it as much as I would fall in love with my home town.  That I’d leave and come back stronger and braver. I wish I could tell myself that you can’t plan life by 15 minute increments…stop being that ridiculous and be other kinds of good ridiculous.    

Now it’s time to really do other grown up things like maybe get married, save for the future, invest, plan for retirement, have a budget, meal plan for a week’s meals, organize the closets, meet with a financial advisor, etc.  But before that, the blossoms are out and I’ll head to my spot...for old time’s sake. 

Battling the Blues

We’re in the full fledges of winter and this is about the time of year where a less than desirable mood can move in so I've learned I have to actively defend myself against those wintery blues.  Here’s my random thoughts and recent activities that help keep the spirits up.
 

·         I think I missed my calling as a virologist.  I’m taking an online virology course and my mind is blown every time.  I’m really gearing up to highly-possibly go back to school in the summer/fall so this is a good exercise in getting my study on.   I’m also regularly practicing my Italian which I’m quite sure my neighbors loves to hear me shout “IL GATTO E SUL TELEVISORE!” (The cat is on the television) in a perfect American accent. Because that's useful.

·         I’m back at boot camp which means last week I could hardly walk and today I could hardly lift my arms over my head.  That’s the cost of getting back into shape. 

·         Thanks to the fine folks at RH2 CPAs, I only owe $4 to Uncle Sam this year.  Can’t get much more accurate than that! Best accountants around. Take that Uncle Sam….oh wait, never mind - you’ve taken your fair share.

·         If anyone would like to get me a subscription to Kinfolk, Darling or The New Yorker, that would be so appreciated and I would think of you every time I got the delivery. 

·         Action packed week coming up with a shopping night, K2 movie screening, the SAM Remix with Miro, Europhile and Travel Meet Up/Girls Night in Ballard and a few pipeline screenings.   If you want to join for any of it, let me know…more the merrier (not generally said by an introvert but I probably like you so it’s ok).  

·         Storyville coffee just opened down the street and I am in love. It’s not Italian coffee but it is the best Seattle coffee in town. Bold, but true statement.

• I listen to this song and this song, couple times a day...maybe more than a couple times.

·         While I’ve been writing in bursts and sparingly posting, you can always follow me along on the Twitter and the Instagram (@mscsquared) (just recently released on Windows Phones so now I’m obsessed) to get the snippets.

 

How do you fight the winter blues?  I'm open to all tips and tricks of the trade.

Personal Partnership Portfolio Management

Let’s be honest, you really want to know about the men situation.  We call it the “Pipeline” with each candidate required to meet specific criteria and screen process before moving past each decision gate.  Should more than one candidate meet the requirements, internal and external reviews are solicited and decision is made for down selection. It’s called Personal Partnership Portfolio Management (3PM if you will) aka dating.

Names have been changed to protect the innocent…and for convenience.

Gramps – I met Gramps through a friend.  We’d spent the last couple football game watching them from various bars around the city.  He’s tall, dark, handsome, highly educated (one of those Phd types), has some fancy patents, speaks 3 languages fluently, lived abroad the last 4 years, owns his own home in Fremont.  He is the perfect gentleman, gentle, sweet, kind, a grown up man, one that reads subtle social clues, picks up on them and responds accordingly.  We went on rapid fire dates that quickly went from drinks at the bars to drinks on his couch and then couch to well….whatever. He is truly interesting and engaging and had real potential to be something more. Why do we call him Gramps?  He may or may not be approximately double digits older than I am (maybe 16 years about...).  Which at first I didn’t know if it was an issue for me but it became less of an issue the more we spent time together. When he met friends even they didn’t think he was as old as a he is. When he discovered how old I actually was I think that caused him to question what we were doing.  Which seriously men, WHY MUST YOU OVERTHINK THINGS?!?!  Needless to say after that revelation he was perfectly gracious and we slowed to a screeching halt.  We are both lovers of football and the other futbol so come the World Cup, I see a few friendly matches in our future. 

Pharma J – Pharma J is exactly who you would think I would end up.  Tall, dark, handsome, reseracher in a pharmaceutical company, Seattleite, and a little nervous and nerdy all around.  He was a really good cuddler – I fit so perfectly tucked under his arm curled up on the couch, a good cook, former basketball player - strong upper body type, a gentleman and smelled like good memories. The kind of guy that if we were to end up together would like a perfectly pleasant generically happy life.  He’s my college sweetheart incarnate, which made me very nervous. Here’s the kicker: He’s a horrible kisser - like if a chicken were to have a 5 day facial hair grow out and peck at your face, that’s what it would feel like.  This is a crushing blow.
 

Of folks surveyed, the first question is “Is he coachable?”  To which my response is something along the lines of, “No, absolutely not. Sister ain’t got time to coach.  This ain’t JV kid. This ain’t Minor leagues kid.  It’s the Majors.” Or a variation thereof.  And if you can’t kiss, I’m going to assume there are a few other things I’m interested in you being good at that you’re not coachable at either which is even a bigger problem. Kissing is just the iceberg and you don’t want that iceberg to eat away at your face like a woodpecker. 

The Lawyer – This guy was everything I thought I wanted, who I thought I’d end up and who of course, he is not interested.  Because that’s sort of how it’s going these days. 

The Sicilian – I met a Sicilian who owns an olive oil company in Seattle which is right in every possible way. Turns out, he's is a bold face liar about his height.  To the point where it is a deal breaker for me.  Which is really a shame because he’s super nice. There were a couple other red flags that contributed to the removal from the pipeline, but the lying about your height is just not cool.  Please don’t do this, men. Us tall ladies know and you’re just wasting both our time.

Next up in the pipeline is The Red Neck, The Swede, The CPA, The Amazonian, and 2 blonde hair blue eye types that have potential but I’m not sure.

And you guys, it’s only February…

Park Discovered!

The bestie picked a prime time to leave Seattle and move to San Diego.  Because she is smart and the rest of us are masochists braving the winter/spring of a grey Seattle.  Don’t get me wrong, you couldn’t pay me enough to live east of the Cascades this winter, but moving to the land of sandy beaches and sunshine totally wins in the winter.  So when she came back to visit recently we took an afternoon to go hiking out at Discovery Park, which for someone who’s live here her whole life, I was shocked I’d never been.    

  

 

 

 

 

 

A little nature and a lot of laughs on a beautiful sunny winter day does a body and spirit good.  Plus we had Taco Time and that is never a bad decision.

Operation Apple Strudel

“Traveling is a brutality. It forces you to trust strangers and to lose sight of all that familiar comfort of home and friends. You are constantly off balance. Nothing is yours except the essential things – air, sleep, dreams, the sea, the sky – all things tending towards the eternal or what we imagine of it.” – Cesare Pavese

I woke up January 3^rd and the first thought in my head was “I want to eat apple strudel in Zermatt this year.” Literally, and very specifically,  that was first thing I thought of when I woke up.  I think I was dreaming about it given that just weeks earlier I had watched a travel show about Zermatt. I knew I had to go.  When I rolled out of bed that morning an article came across my twitter feed and it only confirmed my premonition. I immediately notified my travel buddy and the wheels began to move.  With a little researching and a lot of narrowing down, we’ve confirmed our next trip for May to June to go to Switzerland, Southern Germany, and Austria.  I will likely head into Italy and maybe not come back but that’s a game time decision. 

Here’s what we’re thinking.  Three to four weeks traipsing around the Alps eating fondue, chocolate, visiting castles and lakes, and maybe taking a dip into Italy for espresso, pasta and lovin’. 

 

 

 If you’re a fellow traveler like myself, watch this TEDx. There are some good messages.

From the Beginning

It was brought to my attention that I did not do a single post in the month of January.  I can confirm that this is true.  The great thing is that there is lots to write about and lots of stories to tell.  Mostly around men, football and life.  But when is it not about these things really?  So let’s start from the beginning.

New Year’s Eve

Here’s the thing about NYE: It’s really not all that bad.  This year I spent a quiet evening with a dear friend.  We went to St. Marks which allows for the appropriate amount of time to reflect on the past, think about the future and then skedaddle on out for celebrations.  It’s a beautiful scared space that I look forward to go to every year.  After St. Marks we head to Luc, a cute little place on the back side of Capitol Hill that welcomed us in with open, happy bartender arms.  There were delicious cocktails, scrumptious food, midnight toast with favors, hats and champagne. And despite the heinousness that was traffic to get home, it was all around the a good way to end the year. 

 

 

If you haven’t been to the labyrinth, it is truly an incredible experience.  It’s a path that you walk and then get to the center, spend as much time as you want there.  When you’re done, you walk out. Easy-peasy. This year on the walk to the center I thought about the year past (2013) and was overcome with the sense of the truest form of happiness and incredible gratitude. It was truly the best year of my life.  As I approached the center of the labyrinth, I could feel my heart begin to flutter.  I could feel that I was about to leave 2013 behind me and walk toward 2014.  And I didn’t like it.  On the way out of the labyrinth I thought about the future and I felt anxiety, uncertainty and concern all on a very physical level. My heart hurt and fluttered.  At that point I couldn’t imagine how much better life could get.  And why would I want that to end?  Why would I want that to end and walk toward a year of the great unknown. The “unknown”….that’s scary.

When I was talking about it with my friend right after I was overwhelmed with deep emotion and moved to tears talking about all the goodness that 2013 had given me and the fear of the future that was scary.  I’ve never quite had this feeling so I’m not sure what has been the impetus or why these new feelings had arisen but I’m wrestling with them now, and that’s ok. 

So, 2014 is here.  I don’t know that I’m ready but that’s entirely irrelevant so my exercise now is channeling that anxiety into productive activity.  Or sit at home and eat my feelings.  Either/or.

 

Stay tuned!   

Buon Anno!

I capped off the year with a couple laps around Green Lake and laughing with FN, stopped by the café that brews my favorite Americano, held my last solo dance party around the house while cleaning, walked another couple miles to burn some energy and get groceries and now I'm watching The West Wing and getting ready to head out for the evening. Nothing says "get pumped" like political witty banter drama television show while the curling iron heats up and the eyeliner dries.  So I thought I'd take some time in between all that to write my last post for the 2013. 

A lot happens in this singular thing we call "a year". This year has been incredible.  Really truly a transformational year that exceeded all my hopes and expectations.  Don't get me wrong….it wasn't without it's hard lessons learned, challenges, lows, loss, and heartbreak, but on a whole, 2013 will go down in the record books as the best year of my life to date. 

Here's my Top 10 Recap of 2013 that added up to a truly amazing year. 

1. Over the course of 4 summer nights in Rome, I believed in love again. And while I was believing in it I actually fell into it.  It changed me to my core.  Beauty, strength, vulnerability, passion, and romance. 
2. I spent a lot of time with my sister and nephew, which was really wonderful. Crazy, but wonderful.
3. I made really great new friends and let go of the toxic and unhealthy ones. Good people
4. I traveled a lot. Seeing the world is the most invigorating exercise for me. I never feel more alive than when I'm immersed in another culture.  
5. I made a home that makes me feel safe, happy, at peace, and rejuvenated.
6. I rode motorcycles.  There isn't a more cathartic experience.
7. I smoked my first joint. Full stop.
8. I had a lot of professional milestones which is hugely satisfying after years of working hard and pushing myself.
9. I was in the best physical shape of my life.  Kicked off the year with a half-marathon and kept going. I've slipped a little these last few months, but I'm back on a training schedule for a March 2014 half in San Diego with the bestie.  

10. I had a lot of really great fun.  Real fun.  Real let my hair down, bellyache face hurting knee slapping laughing, finding myself smiling while walking for no reason, making out, eating amazing food, drinking incredible drinks, reading great books, pampering, shopping, conversing, and more kind of fun.

I am very excited for next year.  I hope to keep the good mojo momentum going forward in.  More fun, more love, more laughs, more goodness all around.  And less of that crummy stuff.

Here's what I'm thinking for 2014

• Do hard things
• Be less afraid

• Write more

• See more world
• Keep getting my shit together

• Wear pants more (Just kidding. I hate pants. That's not changing.)

I think New Year's should be more of a celebration of independence.  A different kind of independence day if you will.  A letting go of things old and the past, and claiming the present and future. Freeing yourself from what holds you down or back. Let's be free from those things.  Be free from negativity and self-doubt.  Yes, I like that very much. 

So happy Independence Day!  Baci! 

Top 10

Ok, when I said I was "back" that may have been a bold face lie.  Things have been just a step below chaos, which is fine, but it leaves little time to write about the comings and goings of this 30-something.

Let's take the top ten highlights from the last two months.

1.) I went to and from Barcelona.  That was amazing.  Real post on this later.

2.)  The family favorites came to town. We made won ton soup and chatted about the family history (see Grandpa Wong's Ok Cafe in Helena, MT...cool!).

3.) Work wise, it has been officially one year since I started my new role.  The numbers are coming in and when all is said and done our team will have paid out $99.9M and activated $111M.  If that feels like a lot of money, it's because it is.  Good people doing good things.  And the team gave me a standing ovation in our meeting which felt good.  Oh and presents.  That was nice.  

4.) After the busiest of busy seasons,  I found a grey hair.  Singular.  Yeah for Asian genes!

5.) Husky Game - The new stadium is gorgeous. These people know how to tailgate: full bar, heaters, flat screen TV, lasagna, and so much food and so much fun! Rocking the purple and gold!

That man can pour a drink...wow.

6.) Thanksgiving came and went.  Santa carves our turkey every year.  I wore an elastic waistband.  It's the planner in me. Thanksgiving weekend was also a festive time for some crafting, DIY decorating and shopping (see previous post).  Score!

7.) Brunching with friends...and by brunch we've also added some Cupcake Royale for brunch dessert (genius). Twice.  I had to say good bye to them which breaks my heart but they are off on exciting adventures.

8.)  Hosted a meeting for 275 people.  It was exhausting, frustrating, and only further demonstrated my keen degree of control issues.  I'm over it. But the big boss's dad came and he was amazing.  As always.

9.) Went to the Seattle Asian Art Museum for the first time which was very cool.  Especially if you have it mostly to yourself like I did.

10.)  I did an overhaul on my closet(s).  10 pairs of designer jeans - gone, 4 bags to goodwill, 11 pairs of shoes gone, and do my closets look any less stuffed? No.

So you see, I've been busy.  I hope this holiday season allows for time to really write, be creative, decompress, re-balance and reflect on this crazy thing called life.

Been an Awful Good Girl, Santa Baby

In one weekend I finished all my Christmas gift shopping (applause) which left me plenty of time to help Santa cross off a couple things from my wishlist. I've been an awfully good girl this year, so I picked up these gems.  Santa approved.     

Style

Sparkle 

Tunes

Toys

Oh, and a little something special for the tree

Anger Management

I don't consider myself an angry person.  If fact I can probably count on one hand I've truly been angry in my whole life. Actually, I can't point to one specific memory where I remember where I felt true real anger, but that seems impossible so let's just say less than 5 times.  Sure I've been pissed, grouchy, ticked off, annoyed, disappointed, resentful and alike, but these moments are usually fleeting and become comical shortly thereafter.  But on a whole I feel like sustained anger is a waste of energy, and that I really don't believe in.

But today I left work so angry I was visibly shaking.  I just couldn't believe what had happened. And because I fervently believe in not blogging about the details of my job, I won't go into it here.  But I will go in to what I wanted: giant glass/bottle of wine. and a cocktail. and any other form of recreational sedative or release, legal or otherwise.  Instead I had plans to hang out with my friends who don't drink so I brought ice cream to dinner and it almost did the trick. This was probably the healthiest thing I could have done, which that I am grateful for. Plus they have a super smiley 1 year old and what smiling 1 year old doesn't neutralize any anger of the heart?

But when I was alone with my own thoughts again that anger started to resurface and I just can't release it. I am no longer shaking, so that's progress, but I can feel the tension through my jaw, neck and shoulders. 

I've been re-reading Thich Nhat Hanh's writings, particularly the Five Mindfulness Trainings, which is rooted in Buddhist teachings and practices but really focuses on practice being actively present in the current moment as a way to center and ground oneself.  As a way of coping with some of the debilitating and disruptive anxiety I've been having over the last few months, it has really helped me.  This feel like a good time to exercise those teachings and so I'm trying....hard.  

As writing and reading are hugely therapeutic for me, I'm hoping that through this and some reading I can shake this by morning. I have a long run planned for the morning to hopefully expel any remaining tension. 

Wish me luck.