Resurfaced

Somewhere between good and bad there is darkness. It's juxtaposed feeling of emptiness and pain. 

A few weeks ago I went through a few weeks of this feeling.  It was a new, different kind of low and darkness. 

I had no appetite and when I did I ate ice cream.

On most days it was all I could do to out of bed and attempt a normal life. Only to crawl back in at the end of the day utterly flattened and exhausted.
I would cry at a moments notice and ugly cry when I knew it was safe.
I spent weekends alone not uttering a word.
I'd go for runs that became sauntering strolls with heavy legs. 

Lord, it was bad. It was something I never felt.

While in it I became more frustrated with myself that there was no reason to feel this way but it was physically taking over my body and heart.  Uncontrollably so.  Sure, I'd been cranky before but there was something wholly different about this.

One night just before leaving for this most recent trip, I jumped into Lake Washington off of this here dock.

 

 

 

Standing on the edge for a while I would countdown a couple times before taking the plunge.

3-2-1. Still on dock. Repeat.

On that last 3-2-1, I went.  A good 10 feet before you hit the water you momentarily free fall. Then water.   It's engulfing and you're surrounded by darkness instantly.  It's cold and hits you hard.  It all happens in a few seconds.  Only for moments. 

I began to think about the physics of it all.  That at some point the force in which you are entering the water is no longer strong enough to continue the downward direction.  The density of the water equalizes that force and the human body's natural buoyancy allows you to resurface. It was all too analogous to where I was in my heart.

We went for a swim on a the beautiful Seattle summer night. I felt so alive.  An hour later we climbed out, toweled off and went for pizza.

That's when I knew...the force pushing down was not longer strong enough.  I had resurfaced.