Halloweeny

It's no secret that this is the worst day of the year in my book.  I loathe Halloween.  I do love seeing all the little kiddos at the mercy of their parent's decision making. That's great.  But grown-up Halloween is just a poor excuse to be sexy versions of things that are not ever intended to be sexy.

Also, the following:

1.) My irrational fear of bats is on full watch.
2.) I don't like being scared, or things that are scary, bloody, death-like, zombie-esque, etc.
3.) I don't do costumes/masks. They make me uncomfortable. I don't like not being able to see people's eyes. I'm big on eye contact...call me crazy.

But in the spirit of the day I did put on a questionably too-short-for-work orange dress, a white lace peplum top and black blazer and called it festive.  That's the best anyone was going to get from me today.

But here's my creepy story of the day.  Tuesday was National Cat Day. And ever since Tuesday there has been a stray black cat hanging out outside my door.  When I leave at 6:00 am and return and 7:15 am and then leave again at 8:30 am, it's there, meowing and generally creeping me out.  When I get home at night, it's there to greet me. And then throughout the night I hear it meowing, it sounds desperate but what do I know? Being greeted by a creepin' meowing black cat around Halloween is exactly what I need.

And of course the only reasonable explanation is that it is a cat of relationships past that's been cursed to haunt and follow me around.  Because that happens in the movies and thus also in real life.  My past relationships are not unlike stray cats that are in need of food, shelter and nurturing but cannot give the same in return. So it's not like I'm overly shocked here.

So with that, happy halloweeny!

First Loves

This weekend I found out that my first love, my high school sweetheart, the best best friend I ever had, got engaged.  We haven't spoken in many years.  His girlfriend who he dated after our romantic relationship end, now fiancé, gave him an ultimatum of our friendship or their relationship.  That ultimatum came after a difficult point in their relationship that challenged their trust  and ultimately leading to me help him get her belongs out of their shared home.  In spite of it all, he chose their relationship. To this day I don't understand but it's also not my business to understand. 

He saved my life, twice, for reasons and circumstances I haven't gone into in this space but perhaps will one day.   I still have a place in my heart that is hurt by his choice to let our friendship go so my first reaction to his engagement was shock and disbelief.  Mostly disbelief that he was going to get married before I was.  In all likely circumstances it was a blow to the ego than anything else.  So my second reaction was to go to Trader Joe's and pick up a carton of my new favorite treat - strawberry coconut milk ice cream.  Because if I was going to eat my feelings, I wanted to at least not punish my guts in the process. 

Within about an hour of finding this out, I'd curled up on the couch, queued up a Downton episode and savored not only the bowl of "ice cream", but the amazing life that surrounded me.  What I thought at the moment I found out about his engagement was the idea of that could have been me, that memory that he's the only one that ever got inside my heart of hearts  - knew my demons and downfalls, and loved me all the same.  It briefly ignited that fear that I'd never find someone who I'd be willing to let that deep inside and who could handle all of whatever this hot mess is.  But then I was reminded that what we had is as much history for the history books as the people we were when we were together.  Once I was able to extinguish that fear I found that space to be happy for him. So very happy for him.  

So what's my point? I guess it's let history remain history, keep the faith a finding the person who can get into the heart of hearts, and when in need of comfort make sure you keep an extra carton of your favorite frozen treat in the freezer.  Just in cases.

A couple great high school memories to accompany this post:

Our first homecoming dance, we weren't dating yet but I remember this moment vividly as I was shaking try to put a corsage on him.  I totally botched it.  Mortified. But that night was amazing. I never felt more beautiful.  To this day I still have that dress. 

That's me in leather pants and a sequin tube top for a Las Vegas themed Tolo dance.  We were impossibly young. 

Our last dance senior year.  We thought we had it all figured out.  

Back in Action

When I worked in public accounting there was a thing called busy season.  Now that I work where I'm at right now there is also a thing called busy season that crosses summer and fall.  This busy season is about one thousand times worse than any previous busy season.

So that's where I've been the last few months. Ever since August I've been drowning in work.  Drowning in the night sweats, rattled by the shakes and heart palpitations I'd get.  Sleepless nights, anxiety riddled early mornings, and many evenings fueled by office snacks and the overwhelming fear of failure and disappointment.  I was the epitome of an angst ridden young professional throwing herself into work in order to run from her personal life. 

In my absence, life has still continued. I had a birthday, traveled, dated, mealed with friends, done a lot of shopping, and tried to maintain some resemblance of life, albeit less social and more self-preservation. 

But that time is coming to a close.  I won't do it again like this next year, mark my words.

So this is to announce that I'm back. In the last week, I'm sleeping through the night, eating well(-ish), conquered the night sweats, heart palpitations and shakes.   I'm making time for friends (hi, love you guys!), have a clean house, a mostly full fridge, back at the boot camp schedule, a closet (and then some) of clean clothes, good fiction sitting on my nightstand,  and miraculously a job I still love. 

I hope to write more in the coming months.  Really write. Most recently I'm dreaming of taking a month off and retreat to Tuscany to strictly write and let the creative side of my brain get a good bout of exercise.  I'm still ruminating on this but it certainly within the realm of possibility. 

Good to be back. Alive and living my every day amazing life....  

Conversation of the Day - Hello

Me: Hello.
Nephew: Hello.
Me: Hello.
Nephew: Hello.
Me: Hello.
Nephew: Hello.
Me: Hello.
Nephew: Hello.
Me: Hello.
Nephew: Hello.
Me: Hello.
Nephew: Hello.
Sister: Say "Can you hear me now?"
Nephew: Can you hear me now?
Me: Hello?

It was the best conversation of the day.

Here's a few pics from the visits over the past couple months. He's a real handful but lots of fun.

I get to squeeze him in December!  Hizzah!

(This is obviously not a real post.  Real posts coming. When and if I survive the next 3 weeks. Stay tuned.)