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Thursday, November 28, 2013

Anger Management

I don't consider myself an angry person.  If fact I can probably count on one hand I've truly been angry in my whole life. Actually, I can't point to one specific memory where I remember where I felt true real anger, but that seems impossible so let's just say less than 5 times.  Sure I've been pissed, grouchy, ticked off, annoyed, disappointed, resentful and alike, but these moments are usually fleeting and become comical shortly thereafter.  But on a whole I feel like sustained anger is a waste of energy, and that I really don't believe in.

But today I left work so angry I was visibly shaking.  I just couldn't believe what had happened. And because I fervently believe in not blogging about the details of my job, I won't go into it here.  But I will go in to what I wanted: giant glass/bottle of wine. and a cocktail. and any other form of recreational sedative or release, legal or otherwise.  Instead I had plans to hang out with my friends who don't drink so I brought ice cream to dinner and it almost did the trick. This was probably the healthiest thing I could have done, which that I am grateful for. Plus they have a super smiley 1 year old and what smiling 1 year old doesn't neutralize any anger of the heart?

But when I was alone with my own thoughts again that anger started to resurface and I just can't release it. I am no longer shaking, so that's progress, but I can feel the tension through my jaw, neck and shoulders. 

I've been re-reading Thich Nhat Hanh's writings, particularly the Five Mindfulness Trainings, which is rooted in Buddhist teachings and practices but really focuses on practice being actively present in the current moment as a way to center and ground oneself.  As a way of coping with some of the debilitating and disruptive anxiety I've been having over the last few months, it has really helped me.  This feel like a good time to exercise those teachings and so I'm trying....hard.  

As writing and reading are hugely therapeutic for me, I'm hoping that through this and some reading I can shake this by morning. I have a long run planned for the morning to hopefully expel any remaining tension. 

Wish me luck.  


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