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Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Personal Partnership Portfolio Management

Let’s be honest, you really want to know about the men situation.  We call it the “Pipeline” with each candidate required to meet specific criteria and screen process before moving past each decision gate.  Should more than one candidate meet the requirements, internal and external reviews are solicited and decision is made for down selection. It’s called Personal Partnership Portfolio Management (3PM if you will) aka dating.

Names have been changed to protect the innocent…and for convenience.

Gramps – I met Gramps through a friend.  We’d spent the last couple football game watching them from various bars around the city.  He’s tall, dark, handsome, highly educated (one of those Phd types), has some fancy patents, speaks 3 languages fluently, lived abroad the last 4 years, owns his own home in Fremont.  He is the perfect gentleman, gentle, sweet, kind, a grown up man, one that reads subtle social clues, picks up on them and responds accordingly.  We went on rapid fire dates that quickly went from drinks at the bars to drinks on his couch and then couch to well….whatever. He is truly interesting and engaging and had real potential to be something more. Why do we call him Gramps?  He may or may not be approximately double digits older than I am (maybe 16 years about...).  Which at first I didn’t know if it was an issue for me but it became less of an issue the more we spent time together. When he met friends even they didn’t think he was as old as a he is. When he discovered how old I actually was I think that caused him to question what we were doing.  Which seriously men, WHY MUST YOU OVERTHINK THINGS?!?!  Needless to say after that revelation he was perfectly gracious and we slowed to a screeching halt.  We are both lovers of football and the other futbol so come the World Cup, I see a few friendly matches in our future. 

Pharma J – Pharma J is exactly who you would think I would end up.  Tall, dark, handsome, reseracher in a pharmaceutical company, Seattleite, and a little nervous and nerdy all around.  He was a really good cuddler – I fit so perfectly tucked under his arm curled up on the couch, a good cook, former basketball player - strong upper body type, a gentleman and smelled like good memories. The kind of guy that if we were to end up together would like a perfectly pleasant generically happy life.  He’s my college sweetheart incarnate, which made me very nervous. Here’s the kicker: He’s a horrible kisser - like if a chicken were to have a 5 day facial hair grow out and peck at your face, that’s what it would feel like.  This is a crushing blow.
Of folks surveyed, the first question is “Is he coachable?”  To which my response is something along the lines of, “No, absolutely not. Sister ain’t got time to coach.  This ain’t JV kid. This ain’t Minor leagues kid.  It’s the Majors.” Or a variation thereof.  And if you can’t kiss, I’m going to assume there are a few other things I’m interested in you being good at that you’re not coachable at either which is even a bigger problem. Kissing is just the iceberg and you don’t want that iceberg to eat away at your face like a woodpecker. 

The Lawyer – This guy was everything I thought I wanted, who I thought I’d end up and who of course, he is not interested.  Because that’s sort of how it’s going these days. 

The Sicilian – I met a Sicilian who owns an olive oil company in Seattle which is right in every possible way. Turns out, he's is a bold face liar about his height.  To the point where it is a deal breaker for me.  Which is really a shame because he’s super nice. There were a couple other red flags that contributed to the removal from the pipeline, but the lying about your height is just not cool.  Please don’t do this, men. Us tall ladies know and you’re just wasting both our time.

Next up in the pipeline is The Red Neck, The Swede, The CPA, The Amazonian, and 2 blonde hair blue eye types that have potential but I’m not sure.

And you guys, it’s only February…


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